A post about a person facing pressure from their family to “step up” and move homes to look after her elderly mother has gone viral on Mumsnet, the U.K.-based online forum.
In a post shared on Mumsnet’s Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU), user JusteanBiscuits said their mother, who is in her late 80s, is “aging.” While she doesn’t require “actual care,” her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support.
The user said: “The issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago, so she is alone.”
The original poster said they live two hours away from their mom and their sister also lives two hours away, but in the opposite direction, while their brother lives locally.
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The user said: “My brother helps out, but isn’t able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.
“I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more,” the user added.
Citing a September 2006 study by the nonprofit AARP, Yelena Sokolsky, a registered nurse and the CEO of Galaxy Home Care (a New York City-based home care agency), told Newsweek that in the U.S. about 280 miles is the average distance between adults age 60 and older and their nearest child.
“America’s mobile society means more and more family members are living farther and farther away from each other. Traditionally, when additional help was needed, children and family members stepped in to care for aging loved ones,” she said.
She said what the user in the latest Mumsnet post describes is “a classic case of a ‘sandwich generation,’ wedged between responsibilities for [their] parents, career and own children. Distance between [the user] and the parent adds additional stress and discomfort.”
A December 2020 study published in the Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences found that around 75 percent of older adults reported receiving help from only one child, and the average of monthly care hours was about 50 at minimum. “As parents’ frailty increased, the proportion of children providing parents [with care] rose and the allocation of parent-care hours became more equal.”
Working Together With Siblings
The study said: “Although just one adult child providing care is the most common caregiving arrangement initially, adult children tend to work with their siblings to support parents’ aging in place as parents’ need for care increases.”
A U.K. study of more than 30,000 adults, which was published in April 2022 in Ageing and Society, found that among those born in 1946, 1958 and 1970, only children are more likely to provide care to their parents than those with brothers and sisters.
The user in the latest post said both they and the husband work from home. The husband needs to live within two hours of his office as he needs to be there twice a month. The original poster is required to be at the office once every two months.
If the family were to move, the user said the husband would struggle “to find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has,” because his skills are “quite specialized.”
They also have two teenagers in high school who are currently attending “an excellent school they love” and “moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school…”
The user said: “I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.”
Sokolsky said: “In my experience, I have seen adult children taking different approaches to parent’s care. There are many ways to care for a parent.”
Using an Agency
In the case of the latest Mumsnet poster, “hiring a reputable in-home care agency will not only reduce levels of stress but will also improve the well-being of [their] mother.”
The registered nurse said her belief that “adult children need to play a role in parent’s care is very affirming.” This does not mean the adult child needs to provide the necessary hands-on services, such as personal care and feeding, etc., “but serving in a role of advocate and managing care is of utmost importance.”
She added that “designating and assigning power of attorney [a legal document giving another person the authority to take actions or make decisions on your behalf] for different functions among the three siblings will put responsibilities on all three without overburdening just one.”
Several users on Mumsnet shared support for the user in the latest viral post, which received over 300 comments.
Untitledsquatboulder wrote: “Are you bonkers? Of course you can’t move. If you wish to support your mum more, then she can move closer to you. But be very clear with what you can and can’t offer before she takes such a major step. But don’t be pressured into anything by your wider family.”
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas said: “Your family needs you and you will all be awfully miserable if you do something like this. Wouldn’t it be better for your mum to move into sheltered accommodation where she has her own place her independence but help at hand and a social life if she wants one?”
TimeForTeaAndG asked: “Who is pressuring you? Are they also requesting your sister do the same? You have perfectly valid reasons for not moving and I think the suggestion of assisted living for your mum is a good one.”
HappyHamsters said: “Your mum needs to move nearer to you if she wants to, no way would I uproot my family, that’s massively unfair especially for your [dear children]. If mum wants to stay where she is then help can be arranged in her own home.”
Newsweek wasn’t able to verify the details of this case.
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